Illuminated Insights on: Romantic Relationships

 

  Foundations & Structures for A Healthy Sexual Relationship that Lasts, Pt. 2 pf 3 - 7/18/2022

 

Warning:  Article contains explicit language & sexual content.

 

    In the previous article, below, we began defining & examining what it takes to build a healthy sex life from the ground up & maintain it well.  We started by clearing the slate for a new beginning in the form of a paradigm shift:  We are perpetually dating our partner & every encounter is an opportunity for intimacy, which may even lead to sex.  Then we leveled the ground for a foundation by identifying, understanding & leveraging our individual attachment styles to better compliment & support one another in daily life.  Next, we assembled a solid foundation using clearly circumscribed levels of romance, intimacy & foreplay, noting that foreplay tends to be defined, perceived & prioritized differently by men & women.  This can easily lead to issues in a long term relationships, as many women place more value on foreplay to feel emotionally connected to their partner in preparation for sex, while men tend to be more literal, with sex being a valuable physical connection to their partner.  For everyone to be satisfied, the importance of foreplay as it relates to arousal must not be underestimated, as foreplay is essential for arousal, which is necessary for pleasurable sex, which is tantamount to climax.  These are the three levels of sexual structure we are going to explore between this & the next article, & they will look a little different for each pair.  Let’s get building!

         The first level to our sexual structure, arousal, has many facets & overlaps with foreplay differently for men (who tend to need less foreplay & be more consistently spontaneously aroused) & women (who tend to need more foreplay & be more consistently responsively aroused) & individuals (depends on the day!), but the bottom line is this: good foreplay leads to arousal.  

There are 2 styles of arousal: spontaneous desire & responsive desire.  While partners can alternate arousal styles throughout days & lifetimes, there is typically a standard arousal style for an individual.  It can be a difficult situation when partners consistently fall on opposite states of arousal, causing a "pursuer-distancer dynamic" that yanks emotions back & forth, drains energy & weakens structural integrity unless self awareness is achieved by both parties & respectful communication is made about the contributing issues.  Through self awareness & communication, a formidable relationship will be able to find methods that balance things out.  For example, this is partially why the DD/lg dynamic I practice with my love works for us.  He is often a spontaneous desire kind of guy, while I’m often a responsive desire type of gal, so it helps that our dynamic overwhelmingly leans to him taking the lead.  I do enjoy showing him more subtly that I am interested, especially if he might not be expecting it, though- more on that shortly!  

          Arousal has 2 separate components: mental & physical.  As part of our common theme, arousal states & their importance to the integrity of the structure of our sexual relationship tend to differ greatly between the sexes, which can cause breakdowns in romance in the long term.  While men tend to be very corporeal, easily mentally & physically aroused at almost simultaneous rates by direct visual & physical stimuli, women tend to be more emotional & abstract but linear, relying first on mental arousal which must remain consistently engaging throughout a continuous, steadily escalating scaffolding of physical arousal.  A major issue in the way foreplay & arousal overlap for men & women involves a misalignment on mental vs. physical arousal.  Much like a woman’s self-lubrication cycle changes throughout a sexual experience- it tends to be intiated a few seconds after sexual stimulation but ebbs & flows during sexual experience based on many factors, so does a man’s erection.  The disconnect here tends to be the man’s versus the woman’s prioritization of the erection as it pertains to overall sexual enjoyment.  For many women, a combination of erogenous stimulation works best to maintain arousal.  For many men, the erection is the primary erogenous zone & also, most obviously THE neccessity for successful penetrative sex, which can cause lots of internal mental pressure: so once it’s present, their main focus often becomes maintaining & utilizing the erection above all else.  This may not align with a female partner's focus at that time, & may be received by her as external pressure to rush the development of a moment.  The erection’s natural cycle is something that most men are illiberal about because it interferes with their perception of their performance, but women who are stimulated in a multitude of ways feel like time has been made to stop for their carnal indulgence & are therefore much less likely to care about how stiff a man is & for how long, because they see a well-rounded & generous lover with a loaded tool belt & plethora of useful skills that knows just how to craft a perfectly personalized pleasure adventure.  Note:  A pleased woman will gladly coax that erection into a new cycle & put it to good use in my experience.  

    What makes things even more complicated is that each individual person’s arousal states are fluidly affected, positively or negatively, from foreplay (or earlier!) throughout the sexual experience, by a variety of influences: mental & physical, internal & external, perceived & imagined.  Fortunately, most folks have a manageable & predictable set of pleasure heightening sexual “accelerators” & pleasure hindering sexual “brakes.”  As many women tend to be more cerebral in the sack, it's no surprise that they tend to have more copious and/or sensitive brakes than men, but regardless of gender there are some common accelerators & brakes that we can identify & discuss here.  There are also innumerable uncommon (and yet completely equally valid) accelerators & brakes unique to individuals- all of which need to be realized, examined, digested, discussed, remembered & positively worked with by both parties involved.

          To be honest, I am almost always mentally aroused by my partner, because I have lots of accelerators due to the fact that sex with him leaves me feeling good physically as well as emotionally about myself & my special connection to my special person, but I am unfortunately rarely ever physically turned on in the same frequently spontaneous manner because of my complex breaks- primarily related to anxiety which makes me prefer covert sexual approaches.  As a result of good communication around these issues, we have found some ways to indirectly, subtly signal that I am interested in sex if I don’t think it’s on his mind.  For example, I gifted him a candle I decorated with the words “When this candle is lit, please give me that dick” that comes in handy when sx is prominently on my mind but I’m feeling particularly reserved.  He also made a helpful gift for me that we affectionately call the “Daddy button” which is a small wireless monitor+button combo, we each keep with us in our respective home workshops.  When I press the button on mine, it sends his monitor a message that reads “baby needs attention!”  When he opens the message, my side displays “Daddy loves you” for me while I await his visit.  Enough presses in an afternoon can make it pretty clear what’s on my mind, so it’s great for when I’m feeling more urgent or mischievious.  

 

          Common accelerators of arousal include: 

 

Appropriate timing & application of love languages.  For example:

 

Quality Time - Try not to rush any step of arousal & instead, start low & slow with any action & steadily increase rate & intensity until your partner is literally begging for the next step or already melting in your presence.  Learn what acts your partner prefers more than others & make sure that you are ramping up more quickly with moves that are lower on their arousal menu while you really savor those which are higher- being certain never to skip over anything they truly & thoroughly enjoy.  

 

Words of Affirmation - Learn what your partner’s pleasure enhancing communication style is.  Do they need lots of compliments & praise?  Do they get particularly aroused by certain words or phrases?  Be sure to find new & creative ways to to speak sensually, obscenely or both to your partner based on what you know they like to hear.  For example, to play on our dynamic, my partner knows that I enjoy words that are more playful & less sexually explicit early in the experience & can appreciate specific & explicit content later in the experience after full arousal & that I always appreciate language that exaggerates my sense of our size differences or that seeks to know if I am comfy & enjoying myself.  Practice these communications in front of a mirror, in the shower, aloud or silently- best to begin this practice while you are feeling at least remotely confident in yourself!  I practice speaking in ways that will turn on my partner while I am masterbating, as I am typically fantasizing about being with him.

 

Touch - For women, it can often be a large jump to go from non-sensual contact to sensual & then sexual contact because it takes time for our bodies to catch up to our minds.  Learn what kinds of touch your partner needs & where in order to feel aroused.  This includes learning what they consider to be their sensitive areas, versus their erogenous zones which may or may not include only their genitals.  Take your time developing this process of sensually touching their whole body, slowly narrowing in on sensitive areas, neglecting erogenous zones &/or genitals until your partner’s body indicates they want more attention paid to those areas.  For example, I need tingles on sensitive parts of my body to start feeling sensation in my erogenous zones.  For this reason, my partner often starts with non-sexual, somehat warming head, shoulder & back pets, which turn into very light fingertip touches behind my ears, on my neck, inside my elbows, along my sides, along the inside of my thighs & behind my knees as these are all sensitive areas.  We tend to stay here for a stretch with lots of compliments & praise & kisses while I also pet my partner, but I also grab him because he tends to prefer grabbing on his body more than I do on mine.  Once I have really snuggled into him during our petting session, indicating that I am thoroughly enjoying, he then escalates pets to lightly graze over my erogenous zones & genitals to tease them, but does not fully develop this into sexual contact until I am practically pressing those parts of my body into his hands as they teasingly pass over.

 

Acts of Service - Consider the entire sensual experience an act of service.  Begin with cultivating a mood that makes you & especially your partner feel sexy.  Sensory additions like lighting, smells, sounds & even textural surfaces can go a long way here!  Something my partner does which really does this for me, is wearing my favorite cologne, lighting our favorite incense & turning on the colored lights in our bedroom before much contact is even made.  Ensure that your partner is comfortable.  Pillows & blankets can be very useful for this, as well as undressing your partner in part or fully depending on how restrictive their clothes are & what their preferences around coverage are.  Focus on the amount of engagement & pleasure they are receiving & learn to take pleasure in theirs.  If you find that they are appearing less engaged at any time- find ways to reconnect with them & intensify your connection & their pleasure.  For example, when I am less engaged, my partner may start speaking to me about what is happening in that moment, will tell me to look at him, or he may put on a blindfold to help me focus on sensation or he may hold or otherwise bind my hands so he can take a more dominant position in the moment.  Dominating your partner in a way you know truly helps them out of their head & more present in the bed by focusing on their pleasure is an invaluable act of service!

 

Gifts - It is my believe that partner-tailored gifts of any & all sizes are a necessary part of any romantic encounter with your partner, sexual or not.  In this case, gifts are additional things that are added to the experience for the purpose of enhancing the moment.

 

Good gifts include:

 

          An outfit to make your partner feel sexy!  It is important to note that this does not mean that you should buy your partner what you wish to see them in, it means you should buy them something that they will feel good & comfortable & flattered in- so be aware of sizing, fit & how it reveals or conceals certain areas of the body.  

          A great gift for anyone is lube & you should always use more than you think that you need, for any sexual contact you engage in!  I have found that many men feel like lube should not be necessary for proper arousal, but this really just an issue of misunderstanding &/or maladjustment.  To begin, wetter is always better for all parties.  It is important to note that saliva is not really a good long term lube for women- not only does it not last in any effective way, but it also carries yeast from your mouth to other parts of the body which over time may cause irritation & infection if persistent.  Along these same lines, make sure that the lube you are using is PH balanced & void of irritants.  Next, it is important to understand that just like an erection has a natural cycle, so does a woman’s self-lubrication & there are many factors that influence these cycles.  One that is incredibly common & frequently overlooked is dehydration.  Dehydration can make it incredibly difficult for a woman to maintain wetness despite proper arousal & for a man it may reduce blood volume and affect mood which are major factors in keeping a strong erection going.  Fortunately for all parties, having a good bottle of lube (& maybe even a cool glass of water) handy can resolve issues with wetness & increase sensation, helping everyone maintain mental & physical arousal.  

          Another great gift for anyone is a toy!  If you know what kinds of sensations your partner appreciates on different parts of their body, it’s very easy to incorporate a toy to increase your partner’s pleasure by effectively doubling the sensual contact they are getting & in a novel way!  Toys are a great way to take arousal to the next level or provide an enhancement during sexual acts!  Toys are particularly great for women, as most women need constant clitoral stimulation to stay well aroused & toys are, if nothing else, very consistent in their delivery of contact surface texture, pressure rate, rhythm delivery, etc.  For best sensation & the longevity of your investment, ensure the the lube you use with your toys is compatible with the material the toy is made from!

          Once proper arousal is ensured for your partner, another great gift for most parties is also technically an act of service- some variety of oral sex.  As discussed before, it’s important to note that most women would consider this sex, so it’s really key to know that they are ready for that kind of contact with their nether regions.  It’s incredibly personal for all involved & therefore a great way to connect deeply with your partner.  For best results, be sure that arousal is well heightened & maintained & that prior knowledge is activated.  Have you truly learned what specific kinds of placement, movement, pressure & rhythm your partner appreciates in this act?  If you’re feeling uncertain, it is key to learn about your partners’ preferences by observing their engagement & reactions during trial & error as well as verbally unpacking the experience at a later time.  For many women, it typically works best if you start around the inner thighs & then vulva before moving to the clitoral region & begin clitoral contact light & slow, building intensity of contact over time.  When it comes to oral sex, make sure you show your partner how much you enjoy providing this service with lots of looks, moans & pleasure bootsing use of your hands along their errogenous zones &/or genitals!

 

Common brakes of arousal include:

 

Health, hygiene & appearance - Make sure that you & your partner are feeling yourselves as individuals so that you exude confidence.  Having a regular exercise routine & keeping up with diet & sleep can do wonders for physical & mental health.  Be sure to take care of common hygiene necessities such as brushed hair & teeth, mouthwash for breath, deodorant for armpits, etc.  And remember to be aware of your body’s signals, as nothing can kill a long term sexual relationship like health problems!  Make sure to see your primary care physician regularly.

 

Distractions - Many women need a seamless transition through all the phases of a sensual experience in order to have their reward centers fully tapped & have the best experience.  The result of this is not only a better sense of presence in the moment & sense of emotional & physical connection to their partner, but also a better orgasm & lasting memory of the experience which will make them want more like it.

 

Common distractions include:

 

          Attention Deficits - Undiagnosed & untreated attention deficit disorders commonly contribute to sexual disfunction leading to either hypersexuality (higher sex drive &/or greater need for increasingly direct & unconventional sexual stimuli) or hyposexuality (lower sex drive &/or complete disinterest in sex which can be caused simply by the racing thoughts of ADD or can even be caused by certain medications for it).  Attention deficits can also cause issues with memory & focus, which might make it more difficult for the affected partner to enjoy the moment-to-moment build up to sex, or for the affected partner to activate prior knowledge about the kinds of sensual & sexual communication or contact their partner appreciates consistently.  Such an issue may also cause the unaffected partner to feel undervalued if they are not seeing positive results of past communications acknowledged in the act which can be a pleasure hindrance as well.  In order to avoid loss of arousal due to attention deficit issues, it is imperative that you know how to reset, redirect or re-engage your partner in a positive way that keeps the mood lifted rather than allowing attention deficits to cause a rift in the moment.  

 

          Anxiety &/or Depression - Anxiety &/or depression, both untreated or treated can really wreak havoc on arousal states in part because of the brain chemistry responsible, which is also key to fulfilling sexual expereiences & orgasms, but also because of the way they produce similar symptoms to attention deficits by impacting enthusiastic engagement via decreased ability to stay focused or activate prior knowledge, as well as the negative affects medication for these mental illnesses may have on libido & sexual sensation. 

Some things my partner (with depression) & I (with anxiety) have had success with include: 

                    Anti-inflammatory diet that includes lots of probiotics & prebiotics

                    Regular low-impact exercise routines like walking, dancing or yoga, which are also great when done together to give you a                                         shared non-sexual connection, body language & rhythm that keeps you more physically in tune with one another

                    Journaling particularly about gratitude so we can share in the things that make us happy in our day to day lives & also about                                         anxious thoughts to which I assign actionable steps or things I can do to resolve issues I am having anxiety about

                    Cognitive brain training which can be done via workbooks, online guidance or classes & personalized therapy sessions

                    Relaxing & sensual shower, bath & massage

                    Supplemental CBD & Kava Kava

                    Having Wellbutrin added to supplement their SSRI medication regimine. 

 

            Other Stressors - Responsibilities to household maintenance (chores) or to other parties like pets, children, suitemates or family members can be an arousal momentum killer. Nothing takes me out of an arousal state & makes room for anxiety to creep in like the times an evening has been completely perfect while we have been out & about, just for us to get home, have a great makeout session on the couch & then be loudly interrupted by a hungry, yowling cat that we didn’t feed before we went out.  Now we’re out of the flow of the moment & it tends to set me back quite a bit when afterward we are dryly undressing ourselves individually in our bedroom in silence, based on an understood, unspoken contract that we’ll continue in the direction we were headed- now seemingly so far from removed from the energy flow of the evening that really had me turned on.

 

The most complex sub category of brakes, however, is aversion, which is fortunately less common than your average brakes, but often go unaddressed in many relationships & cause further rifts in the long term connection.  Sexual aversions can develop or manifest over time or seemingly out of thin air.  They may be related to past trauma whether treated or untreated, as a result of new relationship energy wearing off or as new sexual experiences are had & unpacked.  They may be something that was always there & never really realized, acknowledged or identified or may be something that was ignored to provide for one’s partner.  Sexual aversion is when a partner has serious mental, visceral or physical negative reactions to certain intimate, sensual or sexual scenarios that cause barriers & stumbling blocks in their personal engagement or enjoyment during the sexual experience.  Aversions are very personal & can be difficult to understand, discuss & work with, but it is necessary for a long term sexual relationship’s success to be open, honest & proactive when it comes to managing aversions.  Most importantly, it is key to avoid instances that may create or trigger aversions as well as to find ways to avoid or positively spin aversions so that arousal states can be maintained.

 

Common aversions include:

 

Mental/Emotional - Each partner’s perception of sex affects how they feel about it.  Sexual perceptions are developed from an early age & molded throughout our youth & into our early sexual experiences.  For more information on this, please refer to my first article.  Common mental/emotional aversions are:

 

Past Trauma - Individual therapy, couples therapy, sex therapy, hypnosis & safe kink exploration are all proven ways to positively manage aversion caused by trauma.

 

Sexy talk or sounds - Some like it direct & explicit from the jump, some (me) don’t.  Some like degradation & humiliation & some (me) don’t.  Some (me) like compliments, praise & playful language.  Some like music with lyrics of a certain type, some like music with no lyrics, some like no music at all because it interferes with focus altogether.  

 

Visual stimuli - Some like overt sexual activity they can clearly see & are made to look at (or just having the lights on can provide this experience), while some (me) prefer covert sexual activity that is alluded to, hidden or obstructed (or blindfolds &/or darkness go a long way here).

 

Physical - Some partners do not like a certain part of their body visible OR accessible/touched during sex due to self consciousness or sensitivity.  Some partners need a certain level of arousal before touching in sensitive or erogenous zones or most especially genitals can be appreciated.  A common aversion for women is finding nipple play completely the opposite of sexy without proper arousal of the mind & skin first.  If your partner deters you from touching parts of their body during phases of arousal or sex, it is often due to lack of proper arousal for the relative sensitivity of the region attempting to be stimulated.  For women interested in engaging in anal play, it is often imperative that the entire body & all other erogenous &/or genitals are highly aroused prior to sexual contact being made with the anus (& don’t forget the gift of lube!).  

 

          It’s important to find gentle but clear ways to discuss accelerators, brakes & possible aversions delicately with your partner & it’s a necessity that such conversations are permanently stored & such information is acted upon consistently to maintain trust in your sexual relationship.  It’s best not to discuss such matters around (either before or after) a sexual encounter, or even in the bedroom for that matter, to avoid raising distress in your partner which they will then associate with sex with you, unless you have both agreed this is an important & desired element to be included in after care, which we will discuss more in the next article.  It is very important to go about addressing difficult issues around sexuality with respect & to avoid negativity, guilt & rumination as these are all ways to create additional brakes & most certainly aversions.  It is also important to note that continuously asking a partner to engage in any activities they are not excited about is a one way ticket to aversion, so be sure that consent is enthusiastic each step of the way & find time to unpack your experiences even when they have been seemingly most positive, just to keep the lines of communication open with your partner, as communication is your sexual life line.

Best practice for difficult discussions is to begin with questions inquiring about your partner’s feelings on the matter, combined with active listening that may involve repeating summaries back to them in your own words & responding with your concerns using “I feel” statements while avoiding blame to your partner in any way.  Finally, it’s imperative to look at such matters as a teamwork challenge & seek solutions that both can enthusiastically get behind.  Look for win-win situations rather than equal compromises. 

 

Some ways that brakes & even aversions might be managed are:

 

Indirect approaches to sex - Try being more covert & subtly dominating with your partner if they are anxious about sex.  For starting points here, please review my first article.

 

Playful vs. Intense approaches to sex - Know if & when during the arousal & sexual contact experiences whether your partner prefers or is in the mood for a more playful approach or an intense approach to sex.  My partner prefers playful & I prefer intense, so it is helpful that he is able to gauge my mood & steer our sexual encounters to meet our different needs at either different or simultaneous times.  One of the more seamless ways that he has done this was to go the route of playful tickles that turned into physical teases- so we went from belly laughing to rather intense soft domination rather quickly.  Another time he successfully did this was to find a reason to put me over his knee, pull up my little dress & begin a spanking session that went first on top of my undergarments, then to my naked rear.  This turned into vulva stimulation    & beyond & with me properly aroused & already bent halfway to the ground, it was a smooth transition to get me to my knees to provide him with oral pleasure.  

 

Proper arousal & lubrication - Make sure your partner is thoroghouly mentally & physically aroused.  Something that can usually make this a surefire situation for women is just going “low & slow” as we call it in our house.  It’s the romantic, sensual, “making love” kind of experience that is often portrayed in films.  “Women are ovens while men are microwaves” when it comes to arousal, so just taking the time to create a quality build up really goes a long way for circumventing aversion.  Also, this may come across as repetitive at this point, but my opinion is that this cannot be addressed enough, but make sure you are well hydrated, & there is water & good lube handy.  

 

Kink - Adult play, or kink, is also a great way to circumvent aversion, which is why the DD/lg dynamic explained in my first article works so well for my partner & I.  It also encompasses many indirect elements & scaffolding that help me manage my anxiety (about everything) & my aversions, mental (sounds like direct language too early in arousal & certain kinds of music) & physical (nipple or genital play too early).  It also helps me because I like that feeling of being corrupted & even used, so when my partner is too tired for the whole performance of our common role playing, we can easily still move into gratifying sex rather quickly thanks to some positive spin I’ve put on my aversions using kink.  For example, I used to find it unfortunate that his default sexual initiation would be grinding his body against mine in silence.  It would really make me anxious because it felt like dry pressure in my mind which I had to overcome to become properly aroused.  Now, he can do this action & get me to interact with him by asking me to wiggle, calling me pet names as I “do the wiggle dance” & manipulate my body into increasingly compromising & prone positions to take advantage of me.  Another way I sometimes get around not being aroused enough if things are moving “too quickly” for my body but my mind is pretty with it, I think about how someone who is being used without their consent might feel uncomfortable & scared & since I like those kinds of feelings & we have an agreed consensual/non-consensual play arrangement between us, the perspective helps accelerate my arousal, particularly if he is talking to me the way I prefer.

 

    In summary, the level of sexual structure that overlaps with & reaches beyond the foundation of foreplay is arousal, which has 2 common styles: spontaneous & responsive & 2 common states: mental & physical.  Arousal can be positively & negatively impacted throughout an experience due to influence by each individuals’ accelerators & brakes or even aversions so it is important to become aware of what does & does not “do it” for your partner & seek ways to align even your most opposing sexual viewpoints by looking for win-win opportunities within the scaffolding of your approach to sex or positive spin through kink. 

 

    In the next article, we will add 2 more levels to our sexual strucure as we explore more about sex & how it relates to climax.  We will also learn to protect the overall integrity of our sexual structure & foundation through aftercare promoting longevity of our sexual relationship.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Illuminated Insights on: Romantic Relationships

 

  Foundations & Structures for A Healthy Sexual Relationship that Lasts, Pt. 1 pf 3 - 6/3/2022

 

Warning:  Article contains explicit language & sexual content.

 

     In the previous article, below, we explored ways to enhance intimate connection in hetero-normative couples falling into traditional gender roles, particularly in cases where sexual activity has dwindled.  For this article, we'll take a step back, focusing on what it takes to build a healthy sex life from the ground up & maintain it well so that doesn’t happen.  It is important to note that maintaining a healthy sex in long term relationships requires plenty of committed time, energy & effort, but it also takes knowledge, curiosity & communication.  If you love your partner, enjoy your special connection & aim to renew, fortify or simply enhance it, it’s all worth it…AND you’ve come to the right place!  Even if you feel like your situation is already great, remember that stoking the fire can never be bad & you’ll find plenty of ideas here to help you keep the fire hot.  Think of your romantic relationship+sex life as a structure.  Any solid structure must first have level ground & a good foundation to be built upon.  In this article, we're going to examine these very important foundational pieces & in the next article, we'll be ready to build on them!

 

     Let's consider how we best level the ground for building a good foundation for our romantic endeavors.  You have to start by clearing the area so you have a clean slate.  The first element that strongly impacts intimacy & sex in long term relationships is…everything!  Perspective: Literally any & every moment, interaction, exchange between partners can have a positive or negative impact on your romantic relationship.  It is the little things, the big things & everything in between that make or break a coupling over time & it's the bedroom where the cracks in the foundation play out first & most clearly.  So, mind all interactions with your partner as though they might provide an opportunity for intimacy, without expectation.  Intimacy can lead to sex if the conditions are right for both parties but expectation can ruin said opportunity by creating unnecessary pressure which is a libido killer for all.  Consider how you appear, what you say, how you say it, what actions you choose to do or not do as often as you can & try to notice, appreciate & craft special moments sprinkled throughout each ordinary day.  This might sound tedious & silly, but in long term relationships, people often stop “dating” their partner & develop habits that can slowly erode the ground your foundation is built on.  I struggled in my last relationship because my now ex-husband had a period of time where he was very busy with career-related education which caused him to be busy & stressed, totally exhausted or completely absent.  During this time he let himself go by gaining a large amount of weight, growing out unruly facial hair to hide a developing double chin, refusing to remove a growing lipoma from the middle of his forehead & started cutting back on holding time or generating enthusiasm for romantic opportunities like appreciating my art, going on regular dates & participating in general celebrations like my birthday.  Since our physical connection had never been the strength of our relationship, things got worse in the bedroom the more I felt neglected by someone I loved & was increasingly less physically attracted to.  Remember that even if you are married with children, if you want things with your SO to feel like they did when you were first dating, you must both work hard to do the things you did at that time, consistently, but in new, novel & better ways to keep it fresh!  This means health & hygiene must be kept up, presentation, timing, word selection & reactions must be considered.  This is not stress yourself out trying to be & do everything perfectly all at once, but undertand that situational & self awareness as well as the occasionally necessary smooth pivot can go a long way! 

 

     With the area neat & clear, we must now gather tools & materials & actually level the ground.  On the topic of awareness, the second element that impacts intimacy & sex in long term relationships is how your personalities dove tail through attachment styles to create chemistry.  Knowing & understanding your attachment styles means you can identify how you are alike & different in how you view close, long term relationships.  This empowers you to make positive changes to yourselves as individuals in how you approach the relationship as well as to anticipate one another's needs & therefore support each other in a complimentary way that makes you better equals & strengthens your overall connection.  There are tons of personality & temperament tests out there & if you haven’t done one with your partner, this might be a fun bonding activity!  I recommend tests from Open Psychometrics.  Just remember that tests like these are subjective & people are complex, therefore they may have hybrid traits.  When it comes to directly impacting your union, however, consider taking a quiz alongside your partner to determine your attachment styles.  Attachment styles develop in early life based on interactions with caregivers, family & trusted friends.  They tend to remain in place unless insecure attachment styles are actively addressed to promote security.  It may be that one or both partners has an insecure attachment style which causes inconsistency & strain on a romantic relationship, wearing down the connection over time.  Attachment styles often manifest as repeating patterns in one or more relationships because the model provided by primary caregivers influences how children perceive the makeup of close relationships.  In strong models, the child’s emotional & physical needs are met by their caregivers consistently in a warm & intuitive way, promoting a secure attachment style while caregiver inconsistencies, deficits or disconnect promotes an insecure attachment style, of which there are 3: anxious/preoccupied, dismissive/avoidant & disorganized/fearful-avoidant.  No one likes to admit it, but we all look for things in a mate either consciously or subconsciously & most commonly we look for the idealized versions of our parents, or the exact opposite of our parents, because we can develop into our best adult selves by finding a partner who not only compliments us well & comforts us how we need, but helps us heal wounds from the past, starting with those from our earliest memories.  Knowing who you are, who your partner is & how you each naturally form close bonds with others can provide insight into building strong foundations for intimacy.  For example, I have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style, while my love has a fearful-avoidant attachment style.  As a result, the dynamic described in the previous article works well for us because he is able to take charge which keeps him focused & engaged while being nurturing as he pushes me to focus & grow but always makes sure I feel safe & celebrated.  This reassures me constantly that our bond is secure.  It also works for us because I am able to learn exactly what he needs to feel safe & supported & celebrated so I can model that for him consistently which helps him see that I accept, love & cherish him, too.  If you haven’t taken a quiz to determine your attachment style, taking one alongside your partner might provide invaluable perspective for your romantic relationship.  I recommend tests from The Attachment Project.  Equipped with more information about the fundamental makeup of your natural approach to coupling, it becomes easier to see how & why you fit together, as well as provide insight for improved interpretation & communication strategies between you, leveling the ground for your foundation.   

 

     Now, we can assemble the foundation!  The third element that can strongly impact the long term success of a sexual relationship is understanding & identifying where your ideas on romantic, sexual relationship development align with & diverge from one another.  For your consideration & possible partner discussion, the basic foundation of a long term sexual relationship is built as follows:

 

          Any special relationship develops from friendly to frisky by upping the romance factor. Romance is any actions taken to show your partner they are loved & special.  The most high impact way that you can show your partner what they mean to you is know their love language & ensure that you use it as often as possible in ways big & small.  Being that I am a “little” with an insecure attachment style, my love language is… all of them!  I have a prioritized order of love languages that goes: Quality Time, Acts of Service, Gifts, Words of Affirmation, Touch.  Bonus for Quality Time combined with any or all of them!  If you don’t know both you & your partner’s love languages, you should definitely take a quick quiz together.  I recommend tests from The 5 Love Languages.

 

         The next level of a sexual relationship is intimacy.  Intimacy is any interaction intended to create a strong, deep connection with your partner in the form of things you share only with that special person.  Important things to understand about intimacy is that it can be both emotional & physical.  Emotional intimacy might be pet names, secrets, inside jokes, remembering how your partner likes to be spoken to, past experiences or even trauma that you share from your individual past with your partner or shared collectively while you were together & the ways you work to help each other heal from it.  Physical intimacy includes special contact that you would reserve only for your partner, such as holding hands, cuddles & kisses as well as activating knowledge of your partners’ favorite ways to be held, pet or massaged.  It also includes activating knowledge of your partner’s sensitive areas (as opposed to just erogenous zones or genitals) & whether or not they appreciate touch there & if they do, how they specifically like it.  

 

          The next level of a sexual relationship is much more complex because it encompases everything that we have discussed so far & then some...depending on who you ask.  It is also commonly viewed & defined differently for men & women, so in hetero-normative relationships it is extra important to communicate with your partner about foreplay so that you can each come to a better understanding of what classifies as foreplay to your partner.  The challenge with foreplay amongst the sexes is that it is unfortunately commonly seen as less important to men than it is for women when really it is often a difference in definition.  Foreplay for women is often defined as everything that happens to put sexy thoughts in your head & butterflies in your stomach as well as any physical, tingle generating contact that happens before genitals are involved.  For example, it’s the way a man tells a woman what the romantic plans are for the evening.  It’s the way he touches the small of her back when he opens a door for her & ushers her through.  It’s the way he cops a feel of her rear when he pulls out her chair at the table.  It’s the subtle, slick thing he says as they leave dinner, alluding to what he’s thinking about doing to her when they get home.  For men, foreplay is often considered to be somehat overlapping & similar things, but generally less comprehensive & more typically physical actions such as flirting & kissing, touches such as cuddles & pets as well as actions that would be considered “sex” by most women.  Unfortunately, foreplay is where foundations tend to really crumble over time in a long term relationship & this is often due to a difference in the way partners define it but also in how they each percieve it's purpose & relationship to sex. Commonly, men see it as a novel way familiarize yourselves with each other’s bodies & boundaries at the beginning of a relationship.  Later on when they feel like they’ve got it down & they know what is waiting for them on the other side, they may underdevelop or altogether skip proper foreplay because they’re already thinking about the sex to (hopefully) follow.  In the minds of many men, sex is a physical performance where the star of the show is the erection & the objective is the collective satisfaction provided by climax for all, while for many women, sex is a physical expression of emotinoal connection- acceptance & appreciation -for one another that is presented through attention to detail paired with gradual scaffolding.  This will be more thoroughly addressed in the next article, but it must be noted that sex, for a woman (by her definition), requires plenty of foreplay (by her definition) in order to feel good.  It’s for this reason that you need to take time to understand what your partner considers to be foreplay.  Having a better understanding of how they see the way heat builds between you leading up to sexytime can help you develop better communication through specificity but also new & novel ideas for how to warm them up just right, because the true purpose of foreplay is to build mental & physical arousal in preparation for good sex!  

          

     In summary, I believe that in addition to both parties of a long term relationship often forgetting that they are perpetually “dating” their partner in order to keep the fire burning, many couples are not knowledgeable enough about themselves or about their partner to continuously find fresh ways to do so.  A lack of alignment on what makes up romance, intimacy, & foreplay causes mismatched expectations & experiences that gradually tame the flame.  Likely, because all of that takes intentional, committed time & energy, when life happens things easily begin to fall by the wayside, steadily chipping away at a couple’s connection.  Many men & even some couples become goal oriented with getting things down to a science so they can enjoy a regular, personally gratifying quickie, like something one can do by oneself quicker & better (masterbation, anyone?), rather than set aside the time, energy & focus required to develop a sexual experience from a moment into a masterpiece that honors their union, without considering how it keeps things fun & interesting, promoting a deeper bond with your partner.  It’s easy to find yourself frustrated with the amount of time it takes to do anything in our busy day to day lives & having opposing work schedules or children can certainly makes things even more challenging, but this is how we start in with excuses, build bad habits & slowly erode the interest & excitement surrounding our love life.  This can happen so incrementally that we don’t even realize it’s happening if we’re not super intentional about prevention- until one day sex is just quick, dry & predictable.  Bland.  Boring.  It’s no wonder eventually some partners may just decide it’s not worth the remaining effort all together, especially if it was something they were already really having to work at to begin with for any reason such as those touched on last week.  Make sure you properly assemble a solid foundation for romance with your partner.  Then, remember to reserve time & energy for consistently refreshing & maintaining!  It’s also important to regularly rehash details of desire with your partner so you can learn how one another’s sensual tastes have changed or developed over time.

 

     In the next article, we'll explore the hotter half of the structural elements a healthy, long term sexual relationship requires such as arousal, sex & climax, as well as various arousal blocks & boosts.  In the meantime, it might make for a great date to set a romantic mood with ambiance & specifically selected socially lubricating accouterments, then take a few quizzes, ask some deep questions & maybe even make a pleasure map of your partner’s body.  To do so, draw a picture of your partner’s body in any way you can & don’t worry, it doesn’t have to be perfect, it’s just for fun & for the two of you to see!  Silliness may even provide some cathartic belly laughs & boost feel good chemicals.  Then, starting from the extremities, try different kinds of touch textures in a variety of patterns & pressures.  Mark where your partner responds the most for better or worse & take notes.  Work slowly & steadily from the outside extremities inward or from their head or toes & move across their entire body.   Enjoy each moment connecting with your partner- caressing, tickling, teasing, noticing, mapping out & trying to memorize their reactions.  Follow your new map & see if it leads to some sexy treasure!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Illuminated Insights on: Romantic Relationships

 

Adult Play for Managing Sexual Anxiety - 5/1/2022

 

Warning:  Article contains explicit language & sexual content.

 

Personal Perspective on Intimacy Challenges for High Libido Males committed to Low Libido Females in Relationships Founded on Traditional American Gender Roles from a Former Low Libido Female & Rehabilitated “Dead Bedroom” Initiator

 

Background:

    I was once what would be considered Low Libido Female, & I initiated & maintained a “dead bedroom” for about 3 years prior to moving on.  I have made a complete recovery & am enjoying a healthy sex life with 3-5 gratifying experiences a week.  Now that I am in a better place, I can look back on my previous relationship & say that I created the dead bedroom due to things said/unsaid & things done/not done by my Significant Other that just festered within until they overtook me completely.  I also know now that I am getting what I need, that because of those old emotional scars, I could not have trusted or respected my then SO/now ex-husband to share my real needs with him even if I had understood them myself at the time.  That being said, I think many relationships are salvageable & worthy of effort if you can take action early on, but the only way to do this is to gain greater perspective first, however, with America’s puritanical foundations, it can actually be somewhat hard to find.  I hope that the personal perspective I am offering here might be useful to someone dealing with a similar situation as that of my past.  Begin by understanding that while this article is written specifically by a cis-woman in a traditional gender-role adhering relationship with a cis-man, there are likely helpful tips for all & the fundamental take away is for the High Libido (HL) partner to take on a nurturing, caretaker role that appeals to the Low Libido (LL) partner's playful, whimsical, vulnerable, sensitive & possibly self-conscious, anxious, scared or averse inner child as a way to build intimacy.  This is merely an introduction to my ideas surrounding this concept.  There will be reference links added to this article as it is updated & future posts providing more details to elaborate on ideas covered in each section, as well as more advanced intimacy-specific insights in later posts, so check back soon for more helpful information! 

 

Observations:

    Sexual development happens in your youth & your upbringing, family models & individual experiences of the ups & downs of life all shape your sexual identity long before you even understand what that all means.  There is a fundamental difference in the way sexuality is commonly handled for males & females as they develop & this has lasting effects on our views of relationships, sex & our own bodies.  While young men are often encouraged to simply “sow their wild oats” responsibly, young women are often brought up with many mixed signals & lots of negativity surrounding sex & the power of their bodies.  Strict, conservative & religious households exacerbate this.  Also, I have noticed that in the South we are conditioned from an early age to be hospitable & to find joy in the accommodation of others for their comfort & pleasure, even at the detriment or sacrifice of our own.  These things may not even outwardly appear to affect us in adulthood, but likely slip through the cracks of our subconscious to manifest in other ways.  

     Consider:  We are told by those authorities we trust & admire (our parents & adult family members, our pastors, our school boards) that we need to hide our bodies because other people may not be able to control themselves due to our physical appearance, including natural things we cannot change, not just the clothes we chose to express ourselves.  We are told that genitals are dirty & are discouraged from touching ourselves or exploring sexuality for various reasons primarily rooted in religious ideology, meanwhile young men are given more privacy as they develop & generally find access to pornography due to a more open dialogue around sex.  We are told that having urges is a natural part of growing up but that we shouldn’t act on them until marriage & if you do go exploring & enjoying your sexuality prior to that, you are damaged goods where it matters most, because our personal worth is wrapped up in our chastity.  Many of us are also told that sex is primarily for our husband who has strong urges because he is a man & that it is merely our duty to be available to him.  Add to this the expectation that when we are married or at least in a committed long term relationship, we are supposed to somehow flip this internal switch & turn into this confident, enthusiastic sex-plorer.  It gets really complicated inside.  Meanwhile, outside, sex is everywhere, all the time.  Now imagine you are a mother whose entire existence has changed since the beginning of your relationship- your mind & body, hormone levels & other brain chemistry has changed, your physical form has been utilized for function in a myriad of ways by another living being (or multiple) for months or years- or -imagine you have sexual trauma on top of all of this.  An easy response to this emotional overload, is to simply shut down.  Go numb.  Turn into a self-preserving zombie.  I believe this is why so many relationships start off hot & heavy, but dwindle into dead bedrooms.  When a woman likes a man, she wants to give him what he wants & needs, but because of all these factors I’ve listed, she may have never really focused on what she wants & needs intimately or may have troubles clearly & gracefully expressing those wants & needs…or maybe she has desires about which she feels anxiety, shame or even disgust.  Why conitue a sexual relationship under those circumstances when it isn't doing much for you & it just feels like an obligation, like being used, like you are not worthy of enjoying yourself because you don't even know where to begin to fix it?  I know I have experienced all those things even when I began the relationship I am in now.

 

Opinions:

    My theory is that under any combination of these or similar circumstances, many women, myself included, are effectively babies (i.e. undeveloped) in sexuality.  They may have anxiety, self consciousness, body image issues, etc. all keeping them very much in their head when confronted with opportunities for intimacy.  Enter light BDSM (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism) practices as a potential pathway to physical & emotional fulfillment for traditional gender-normative heterosexual couples comprised of a High Libido Male & Low Libido Female, specifically in the form of a “Caregiver/little” dynamic, most commonly referred to as “Dominant Daddy/little girl” or “DD/lg” dynamic.  I believe dead bedrooms can be prevented or saved when a woman is not expected by her man to initiate, engage & enjoy all aspects of intimacy up front, but instead is supported & guided into sexual exploration & development by an understanding, observant, clever & generous lover.  When my partner started approaching intimacy with me as a patient, nurturing, encouraging guide or “soft Daddy Dominant,” who took the lead in charting an indirect, slow, playful but gentle course to pleasure, everything changed for me.  Anxiety-induced vaginismus that gave me frequent pain with penetration lowered, self esteem, body image & sensual confidence soared from his consistently sweet, thoughtful scaffolding of contact, coaching, praise & rewards.  Being trained by my Dom this  way allowed me to tune out all the negative noise & slowly reprogram my brain for body & sex positivity by making me feel permitted, encouraged & celebrated for enjoying each aspect of my sexual development.

   

Initial challenges exist for everyone trying to research, understand, plan & initiate this dynamic:

 

Challenge 1 - There is no one-size fits all approach to creating this dynamic within a couple & it will look different for each pair of practitioners.  The specifics you see here are unique to myself & my partner but should provide inspiration & direction for you & yours.  

 

Challenge 2 - Research on this sexual dynamic’s applications is wrought with challenges ranging from judgemental, negative societal views (remember America’s puritanical foundations) primarily based on knee-jerk reactions to misinterpretations, all the way to too much advanced or extreme information from experienced practitioners, without much info on how to get from novice to master.  The main challenge with negative information is disregarding antiquated or completely misinformed perspectives on what this dynamic truly is at its core & what it can be for all the different kinds of people who practice it.  The label alone can send some into a frenzy of pearl clutching & contracted sphincters because it sounds suggestive of incest or pedophilia.  DD/lg is not about incest or pedophilia at all, although it is important to note that there may be practioners of the dynamic who include elements of such taboos as content in sexual “play” or “scenes” with their partner if it applies to their particular taste in kinks- which is completely fine, legal & should be more socially acceptable considering it is occurring in committed relationships of consenting adults & causes no harm to others in any way.  It’s not even any one else’s business what people do with their bodies behind closed doors, but that’s another article altogether.  The surface ideas about the structure of the dynamic can cause some serious concern over infantilizing a partner or living in a one-sided relationship.  In a healthy dynamic, there is plenty of balance between partners despite the fact that the success of the dynamic centers around a power exchange.  This power exchange is a gift of submission from the “little” to the “Dominant” but what is often misunderstood is that the “little” is truly the one in control as the “Dominant” simply facilitates opportunities for sexual exploration tailored to the “little’s” needs & preferences in a way that helps guide the “little” through both receiving & giving pleasure.  This does mean there is lots of frontloaded energy & effort invested on the part of the HLM to get things going in the right direction, but there are high dividends reap as time goes on- so growth, balance & unity in the relationship is always the goal.  There is especially a great deal of misplaced concern about how to practice DD/lg in households where children reside, which is illogical because no one is suggesting that anyone sexualize children at all, rather that the HLM recognize, appreciate & appeal to the overwhelmed little girl inside the LLW he loves in order to promote her sexual development.  There is nothing wrong with an adult woman engaging in childlike play with her children in her onesie pajamas just because her adult male partner is going to fuck her in it later- as what is done behind closed doors is for the participants knowledge alone & therefore does not affect children in any way.  They likely will enjoy that their parents are playful alongside them as it makes for meaningful familial bonding!  

 

Challenge 3 - The main challenges in sorting through the rest of the information out there about DD/lg is that there is so much from happy, experienced, advanced practitioners that you can find tons of highly developed & extreme examples of the dynamic, but very little detailed information on how to identify the potential fit & benefit for DD/lg dynamic in your own relationship, such as how to build a strong foundation & how to go about cultivating it to grow into a healthy practice. 

With all that to sort through & take in, no wonder this has been overlooked as an avenue to a happy & healthy union for traditional gender-normative heterosexual couples comprised of a High Libido Male & Low Libido Female.

 

Understand:

    At its core, DD/lg dynamic when applied in a sexual relationship is centered around the idea that a “babygirl” (i.e. sexually underdeveloped or stressed, fully grown, consenting adult woman) needs a “Dominant Daddy” (i.e. sexually motivated & knowledgeable, flexible/open-minded, understanding, observant, clever & generous, fully grown, consenting adult man) to help her experience body & sex positivity as a way to develop her sexuality.  It can be an incredibly deep, fulfilling bonding experience that brings a woman to be fully present in her sexual encounters & feel ownership of her body & empowerment through intimacy, plus secure & intensify respect & trust in her man.  

    To identify if DD/lg may be a way to connect better as a High Libido Man with your Low Libido Woman in a committed relationship, consider if your woman may be characterized by any of the aforementioned backgrounds or behaviors.  Low Libido Women who express any of these character traits may be “babygirls, little girls or middles," & your LLW may be a "little" (as they are collective called) too, if she:

              Holds a position in daily life where she maintains a high level of awareness, involvement & control in a high-stakes environment (by her definition & no one else’s) - Such as a CEO, a doctor, lawyer, teacher, etc.

              Has a strong relationship with her inner child & enjoys child-like experiences, activities, clothes, toys & more - Such as cartoons, coloring books, onesie pajamas, stuffed animals, etc.

              Has made statements about how she wants to engage in sex positivity but struggles, or has fussed about needing to slow down or has even demanded things like “be a man” or “just take me.”

              Displays non-verbal behaviors or responses when overwhelmed such as shrugging shoulders or simple head nods to acknowledge or respond to a question.

              Displays stubborn, bratty, immature or spoiled behaviors such as refusing to comply with reasonable, non-sexual requests out of frustration (or doing the exact opposite of what is desired) or complaining about not getting the proper amount or variety of attention. 

    If you have identified DD/lg as a possible pathway for improved intimacy with your partner based on the information so far, you are ready to take the first steps in building a foundation for the dynamic (& your partnered sex life) to flourish.  Note:  What remains in this article is helpful for foundational development of this dynamic & therefore will be primarily focused on non-sexual approaches.  Only once you have achieved good results setting the tone of the dynamic by non-sexual means should you begin focusing on paving the way to a successful sexual relationship & as initially stated, there will be more advanced intimacy-specific insights in later posts for this specific reason.  Here are some suggestions on how & where to begin!  

 

Suggestions based on my personal experience:

First - It is important to note that being a “Dominant Daddy” takes focus & energy.  You can’t apply that which you don’t have, or “pour from an empty cup.”  It is important to take care of yourself inside & out, take pride in your appearance & be mindful of what you say & do, specifically ensuring you uphold your word.  Things like diet, exercise, hydration & sleep as well as mental & gut health are key factors to general success in life.  Based on my personal experience & research, I have found that a low carb diet has physical & cognitive benefits when combined with consistently scheduled sleep, exercise, water, vitamin & fiber intake.  I can’t speak enough about finding a good probiotic also, because the mood boost helps keep up motivation for tedious maintenance routines. Remember to put on your oxygen mask before you help others!

   

Second - Get your perspective, priorities & expectations in order.  You are paving a path to forever, so take your time, be present every step of the way, care about & celebrate each milestone & consistently apply all lessons learned along the way.  Building up your woman & your intimate bond requires careful, thoughtful scaffolding that will take patience.  Get rid of expectations around romance, intimacy, arousal, sex & climax- as well as come to understand that all those elements are separate from each other despite being closely related & deeply intertwined.

   

Third -  Begin planting seeds of the dynamic through non-sexual, subtle dominance.  This can look like so many things in a single day, from acts of service, combining contact & communication in clever ways, gifts & rules (complete with rewards & punishments/ “funishments”), but it is most important to know your partners preferences because subtle dominance begins with limiting choices & providing clear direction.  Some basics include: 

     Don't ask too many open ended questions or give too many options as it is the duty of the Dominant to provide support & guidance using  parameters determined through knowledge & appreciation of your submissive partners’ unique personality.  For example, if you desire to spend time with your partner, don't say "what do you want to do tonight?' but instead say "I'd love to spend time with you tonight" then give a limited list of options for activities you know your partner will enjoy, that cover a range of possible moods/levels of engagement & effort from lazy/comfy to competitive, such as "Would you like to stay in, cuddle up & veg out with takeout & a movie? Or go for a picnic in the park?  Or grab dinner & drinks at the bowling alley/skate rink/pool hall?"  If you want closeness or affection, don't ask for it, gently but firmly command it.  For example, don't say "Would you like to come sit in my lap?" but instead say "Come here, cutie, & sit in my lap."

     Think about how positive reinforcement works best for eliciting & programming desired behaviors- so when you get even the most minimal compliance with a request or minimal positive feedback from an effort or a positive minor physical encounter or notice even the slightest change for the better, make sure to make a genuine, but big deal about it!  Apply non-sexual rewards for streaks of good behaviors.

     Acts of service may look like:  Bringing her coffee in bed in the morning, checking on her to ensure that she has eaten decently throughout her day, making her a little snack after work, surprise her with a favorite meal that she doesn’t have to contribute to before during or after- but set her up with something fun to do to hang out nearby while you cook (think adult coloring book or guided journal with color pencils or brush tip markers), drawing her a bath or shower in a clean bathroom set with a self-care vibe (think candles, beauty products, bath bombs or shower steamers, bonus for bringing in beverages like flavored ice water or seltzer & wine).  If she tends to be more nervous in social settings, help her decide what she wants to order at a bar or restaurant & order it for her- to her exact specifications, & ensure it is delivered & enjoyed as expected or send it back & try again.  

     Combining contact & communication may look like:  Putting her in your lap when she comes home for cuddles & pets while you facilitate a chat that unpacks each of your work days, expanding on a bath or shower act of service by offering to wash her during or lotion/massage her after- come prepared with fun questions to ask that may jump start communication.  Cuddles with a bedtime story can be so fun & you can expand on it with an act of service like serving a caffeine free tea or bedtime water!  

     Gifts may look like:  Her favorite candy, a new candle, beauty product or outfit (bonus for clothes that she finds comfy & you find sensual!), a coloring book or guided journal with color pencils (don’t forget a sharpener) or brush tip markers, a movie to watch or book to read or game to play with you, a small knick knack like a fidget toy, bubbles or stuffed animal.

     Rules, like everything here, are optional & completely customized, but should be:

A minimal list (5 max) of practical, measurable & consistently enforceable rules that advance your "littles" health & expressed goals they have for themselves as well as household agreements you have made.  Rules should always be praised when adhered to, rewarded when completed on consistent streaks & punishments or “funishments” should be agreed on in advance by both parties, aligned with or 

supplement a broken rule, & never include withholding affection.  An example of a rule that meets this criteria is that if your "little" has a goal of drinking 64oz of water in a day & they haven't met the goal by the end of the work day, they can't get an alternate drink til they have completed the task- so, no juice, soda or alcohol at dinner.  Consider revisiting the first suggestion in section V to set health-focused rules for each of you & then find ways to support one another in achieving those goals.  Rules are a great way to support your "little" & avoid infantilizing them because you will never find yourself stunting their growth by doing things for a grown woman that she should do for herself, you are instead encouraging self discipline & promoting growth for her consistently.

     Again, do not think of this as a tit-for-tat situation.  Do not expect sex or resent the lack of sex as a show of appreciation for any of these actions.  You are working to avoid pity or guilt sex by working toward building up your partner’s respect, trust & confidence when it may be lacking in themselves or you.  

 

Fourth - Start building a vocabulary & dialogue around intimacy with your partner.  This will look different for everyone & should be ever evolving.  Some helpful things to understand for developing this kind of communication with your partner are:

     Do not rush into a specific discussion about dynamic with labels & everything.  Wait until several tactics have come out positively before presenting the subject & avoid overloading your "little" so they don't feel overwhelmed or obligated.

     Start with non-verbal cues.  Try to remember details from moments before intimate connections were secure & those that weren't.  Start to notice her "little" gestures- how does she try to indicate she wants attention?  I pet & paw at my partner.  How does she appear when uncomfortable?  My shoulders raise up to my ears.  

     Terms will naturally develop over time- remember them!  This is your secret love language with your partner.  We have some that we use around others to communicate common things, such as instead of calling him "Daddy" in public, I call him "Doc" or "Sir." When I want to leave a place, I'll either click my heels together twice, Wizard of Oz style, or say "Beetlejuice" three times, implying "home, home, home."

"littles" often need help overcoming anxiety or aversion over even the thought of sex, so it is helpful to have terms that refer to intimate actions that are more playful- so avoid speaking directly about sexual content & find words that make your partner feel more comfortable & less stressed thinking & discussing intimacy.  In my relationship, we might refer to an intended romantic opportunity as "hanging out, lil date, cuddles, wind down, etc" & sexual contact as "[Daddy Dom's title]'s special attention, playtime, etc" 

     As you move into developing your physical intimacy, new terms will develop for all sorts of things.  We have playful, indirect terms for body parts, intimate actions, toys, etc.  As you develop your roles & intensify your "play," you will also need safe words- we have a "green is go" word for new risque things being thoroughly enjoyed- "take me to the Emerald City." We have a "yellow means take it slow, proceed with caution" word for when things are pushing a soft boundary or approaching a hard boundary- "follow the Yellow Brick Road," & a "red means full immediate stop, no comments, coersions or complaints" for when a break or ending is needed in a scene- "Ruby Slippers" afterwich the only things that happen are judgment free inquiries, uninterrupted answers & complete aftercare.

 

Fifth - Dom disillusionment & burnout is completely possible & often does unfortunately come with the territory, especially in the early developmental stages of the dynamic.  Know that it is “okay” & completely necessary to ask for what you need in your relationship.  It is important to remember that it is about how you approach expressing your needs & framing how your needs can be met in a light & clever way makes meeting them accessible & even enjoyable for your partner.  For example, when my Dom is too tired to cook on his assigned evenings, he might ask me to “play chef” & then he washes the dishes while I cook, or he might suggest I “order room service” & I take the responsibility of ordering dinner delivered & he at least reserves the energy to praise me for a job well done & might set the table, make drinks, etc. when the food arrives.  

 

Summary & Disclaimer:

  This article is written by a former LLW who identifies as a "little" in a relationship with a HLM who identifies as "Daddy Dom" practicing DD/lg BDSM dynamic in a sexual relationship that classifies as hetero-normative with traditional gender roles.  LLW was rehabilitated by process of developing intimacy through building self/partner/sexual confidence, trust & respect via a Caretaker/little dynamic in which the HLM takes on a nurturing, encouraging & paternal-surrogate role in creating indirect, comfortable, playful & creative scaffolding unique to the "little" that promotes & celebrates sexual exploration & enjoyment- overcoming internal & external obstacles & distractions the "little" may be dealing with, primarily due to negative conditioning from their past.